The Only Truth
Mary Stacy

Sa/Am, very mild R


The couple stood motionless, silhouetted against the vivid blue sky, their stillness hanging heavy in the air, broken only by the sound of waves lapping on the beach below.  The once faint sound now echoed loudly against the silence, marking the void between them.

Both looked out across the shimmering turquoise water, neither yet willing to face the other.  They were frozen in what seemed like an eternal moment as time struggled to set itself free.  Finally he let out a deep resigned sigh. "It is too much for you to accept then." Sarek brought himself up, ramrod straight and finally turned toward Amanda who still faced away from him, looking out to the distance, straining, as if she believed that if she looked long and hard enough she could see her life's destination.

"I didn't say that. It's just a lot to try and understand, a lot to have to come to terms with," she answered, finally turning to look up at him almost shyly, only to be met by the surprising pain that she could now see in the depths of his eyes.  Suddenly, she realized how difficult this all must have been, to tell her this, to take a fragile and newborn relationship and to have to expect it to hold the weight of what he carried. He had opened up to her with what must surely have been overwhelming odds of rejection.

"You don't really want to talk about this, do you?"

"My wants are not important." His hands tensed along the railing of the balcony, an outer glimpse of his inner turmoil. "We do not speak of this even among ourselves unless absolutely necessary, but I need—I want you to have all questions answered before any final commitments are made.  Once it is done, there will be no turning back. To not have told you would have only caused harm to both of us in the end, whether you would have me or not."

"I don't really know what to say." She took a deep breath. "How long does it last? How often?"

He seemed to wince, almost as if the very thought brought him pain, and his voice lowered to a barely discernable whisper. "Approximately every five to seven of your years. The cycle plays out in a few weeks time, but only a small portion of that will be… difficult."

Difficult for me, or for you, she wanted to ask.  But she could already see it was far too difficult just to speak of it for him. "You use the word 'madness'.  Is this—can it be violent in any way?"

"You mean toward you? You believe I might injure you?" If it could be said that he could look incredulous, it was now as he quickly responded, "Why would you think of this?  To harm one's mate, this would defeat the purpose of mating would it not?  A woman accepts or turns away from a man.  He is helpless to her decision, unable to force himself where he is not invited. All control to accept or deny is on her terms."

"And if a woman denies?"

"Then she condemns her mate to death."

His tone was sharp for a moment as if masking the hurt her questioning caused. Then it softened as she let the wash of her fear brush against him.  Not fear of him, but fear of losing him.

"Do you trust that no matter what would happen I would never do anything to hurt you? That any violence that might occur would be directed against any who would try to come between us at this time? I will trust you with my life in this, but you must be sure. When the time comes, I have no choice.  It will be you alone who decides."

"I'm sorry.  I'm sorry you have to go through this, and I'm sorry I have to question you." She wanted to take him in her arms and tell him it would be all right, but even if he would allow that, how could she say it now, when she herself was so unsure and confused? "Have you been through this before? I mean, it doesn't matter to me if there have been other women.  I would have expected it if you were a human man in your sixties, and if there hadn't I would have wondered. But you tell me you have never been married, what did you do, how did you manage?"

Her mind was rambling as she grasped for the straws that would allow her to comprehend the process he was attempting to describe to her. But her mouth seemed to be rambling even more.  She did not feel scared but confused, and in her confusion she felt like the silly twelve-year-old who was trying to understand what sex was truly about for the first time, torn between fascination and repulsion. And it was very important that she talk through the latter. 

She bit her lower lip, forcing herself to stop and turned back to the sea, willing her mind to quiet, waiting for his answers. It seemed a long time passed as she stood taking in the rhythm of the sea, hearing the birds below her carrying on their usual lives, watching the wind slowly sweep the clouds across the sky.  She had begun to think he had left, given up on her, when finally he answered. 

"We are bonded as children when our minds are young and pliable, and with the years, our minds grow together. We grow and come to maturity over time in a slow awakening to the cycle, and, at the proper time, are drawn together. This is how it 'should' be."

"What happened that you didn't?"

"She to whom I was bonded was killed in a shuttle accident when we were eighteen.  My family sought to find a suitable match, but there were none available at that time." He paused for a moment as if searching for the words to make her understand. "As we grow older, it becomes more difficult to form these bonds.  We are no longer children with pliable minds that can accept what our parents see as desirable.  The family will pick a suitable choice for mating and when the time comes and the mating occurs either a bond forms or it does not.  If the bond forms, marriage and hopefully a child will follow. If the bond does not, then one parts after the mating."

"And if a bond doesn't form and there's a child?"

"If there is no bond, there will be no child."

He said that with such conviction, she wondered if there were more to it that all that. But she didn't want to open any more wounds when he already seemed far too vulnerable.

"How many times have you…"

"Three. But none were compatible." He sighed. "It would seem I have waited for you if you would still have me now."

Ostentatiously, they had taken this trip to get to know one another, to make sure beyond any doubt that this is what they both wanted.  That the differences between them meant little in the scheme of things when compared to the feelings they felt for one another. Now there were even more things to consider, differences she could never have imagined rose up like a wall before her.

"Sarek--"

She wished he would turn and look at her again, but she felt the vulnerable Vulcan of just a few moments ago was gone, the barriers having been raised again. 

"I do not want your answer now.  This is not something I would have you rush into.  I want you to think of what I have said.  If before we leave this place you would accept me, then we will be married by your people before I depart for home.  If not, then we will say goodbye, if one can hope, as friends."

She took a breath as if to speak, but he quickly laid his fingers across her lips.  "Ask me no more at this time, Amanda. Take what I have said and meditate upon it. And when you come to your decision, I will answer whatever further questions
that linger."

He turned and disappeared into the shadows of the suite, leaving her on the balcony alone, the horizon stretching the vast distance before her.  Somehow it did not seem vast enough. 



At first, Amanda had welcomed the time alone to process it all.  Time where she could turn it over in her mind removed from the weight of his sometimes overwhelming presence.  She walked along the secluded beach until she could go no further then returned to the bungalow.  It was as if Sarek had disappeared, every trace of him was gone and the doors to the master suite were shut tight against intrusion.  She couldn't bring herself to go over looking for him, somehow instinctively knowing that if he needed to be alone that would be the worse thing she could do. When he felt he had given her enough time, she expected he would reappear out of nowhere for her answer. And when he did she would have her own question that she now knew needed to be answered.  She could answer him yes, but she knew for her own well being, she would need a yes in return.

Alone it seemed, in the silence of the house, she could hear nothing but the rustling of water over rocks in the courtyard pool.  The walk had been hot and the pool was like a siren's song.  She took it in for only a moment, before tossing her sundress aside and diving in.  The water was cool enough that she could feel its brisk embrace against the heat on her skin, quickly bringing down its temperature.  She dove under and up again, arriving beneath its waterfall, letting all of her tensions and worries wash away in the stream of droplets that cascaded down around her. 

If I can do this, if I can be the cool caress against any fever.

She remained in the pool until the afternoon sun lay low in the sky, and then grabbing a towel from one of the lounge chairs, wrapped herself up and retreated into the darkening house.  The sound of her wet feet padding across the tiles echoed through the rooms, marking her retreat to the bedroom.  Her bedroom—as it had been from the day they had first embarked on their journey.  Her bedroom in a dozen ports of call around the world. Her bedroom now where she stretched out across the too-large bed, without bothering to turn down the sheets.  She fell asleep dreaming if she would ever find a place in his.

The curtains stirred letting the light of the full moon stream in through vaulted arches that led to her private balcony.  She stirred waking from an already forgotten dream, orienting herself to the vaguely familiar surrounding.  The air was comfortably warm and she gave into the temptation to slip out onto it, naked but for the moonlight and stars. It was a fantasy that was lacking one major piece. She hoped she knew where to find it, but whether or not it would be a willing piece, that answer was in other hands.

Her throat was dry, and her stomach had begun to protest the fact that she had not eaten since breakfast too many hours earlier.  If she were bolder, she might go to the kitchen as she was, but instead she opted to throw her lightweight robe on, tying it loosely around her waist.  Walking toward the door she glanced at herself in the mirror.  Even in the dim light she could see the havoc the water and salt air played upon the tangled mass of hair earlier.  Quickly she ran her brush through it, joking to herself. You never know whom you might run into in these deserted hideaways.

Humming softly to herself she entered the main living area and then onward into the kitchen.  Without turning on the light, she poked her head into the refrigerator pulling out a soft drink, then searching for something to quiet the growing gnarling in her stomach.

"There is salad and fruit here from last night yet."

She jumped.  In the past hours she had grown so used to the silence that soft as it was, Sarek's voice caught her unaware.

"What are you doing standing there in the dark? Do you like to scare young, defenseless girls?"

"I would hardly call you defenseless, Amanda, anymore than I would believe you could be so easily scared. Indeed, if that were the case, neither of us would be here now."

The tension that had existed between them earlier that day seemed to have fallen away, replaced by the more familiar light banter, and she smiled at him, wondering just how much he could see in the dimly lit room. "Did you eat earlier?  I feel asleep."

"Indeed. I could hear your breath heavy and deep through the door."

"You couldn't… are you telling me that I was snoring?"

"It was a noise such as--" Before he could go further, she cut him off.

"I don't think I want to know. Are you willing to take on a wife who makes such noises in her sleep?"

"I believe I may have some similar shortcomings, so we may want to 'call it even' as it where."

He reached over and turned on a low light, and she laughed to herself on seeing the rather elaborate meal he had laid out before him.  She wondered if he had been waiting for her to wake up, or if he had, by that strange sixth sense of his, come into the kitchen only a short time before she did.  They ate amiably, as if the morning had never happened.  He seemed in no hurry to press her for an answer, and if this were the last such meal they would take together, her question could wait for a short while.

As they finished, he moved to clear the dishes, but she shooed him away. 

"You set the table so let me clear it. Go!" She motioned for him to leave and let her clean up.  She needed the time now to compose her thoughts and gather her wits about her.  Though he could be formidable when he desired, it was when it was open and vulnerable that she found it the hardest to turn from him. She had a question and an answer and if she didn't get them right the first time, there would not be another.  In less than two weeks he would be on his way home.

Amanda came out of the kitchen to an empty room. She looked about confused for a moment. The breeze stirred the long white curtains that draped the broad arches leading outside, parting them just enough for her to see Sarek beyond them, out on the balcony. Taking a deep breath, she moved through the darkened room, then into the night to stand beside him.

"I will miss this moon of yours when I am gone.  These evenings it has stood watch over the seas have been ones of great beauty and it leaves in me a feeling of peace when I seem to have most needed it."

He sounded almost wistful. She moved closer to and tentatively placed her hand over his much larger one, as it lay wrapped tightly around the railing. He looked down at her patiently waiting. Looking out across the sea she searched for the peace he found there and came back empty.  Until this was resolved she would have none.

"I have my answer, but it will need to wait until you answer my question."

She looked up at him, seeing the moonlight reflected in his eyes, playing with the angles and curves of his face.  She reached out to touch his cheek and stroke it gently. He reached up and covered it with his, eyes filled with both light and sadness. She was suddenly struck with the fact that he fully believed at this point her answer would be no. 

"You told me about a cycle but you didn't tell me if, well, if you are only restricted to that cycle. Sarek, I don't know if I could stand living with you if I could only have you once every seven years!  I need to know if you can…" She made a little nod with her head, hoping he would take the hint, only to be met with those same eyes now filled with confusion.

"If I can what, Amanda?"

She tried to force the words out, but the sounded so base and cold even in her head.  Suddenly she moved and standing on her toes she pulled his face down toward hers.  She had kissed him before, but those kisses had been relatively brief and chaste. This time she didn't hold back, kissing him long and deeply, thrilled not just with her own desire, but with the knowledge he was not pulling away.

Finally, the strain on her toes and neck gave way and she went to pull back. She could sense the slightest trace of hesitation on his part as she did so.

"How did that feel? Did you like that?  Or do you feel repulsed?"

"Is this your question, Amanda? I think you know the answer.  It was most pleasant."

"Is that all, just 'pleasant'?"

She moved back in close, nestling against his broad chest, feeling the slow calming rhythm of his breathing. Amanda looked out across to the translucent waters, letting the warm breeze of the balcony lull her into a state of temporary security.

This was a paradise, a time just for the two of them and so far it had been dedicated to discussions and debates, agreements and acknowledgements, revelations and acceptances, both spoken and silent ones. But that's not what she needed now.  She needed to know that he was capable of holding her and loving her, not just with his thoughts, but also with his body, with his soul.

She let her hands run along the front of his tunic. The fabric looked like linen, but felt like silk, light and subtle. It was held together by bindings along the side and she slipped her fingers quickly through them letting the shirt fall open.  She glanced upwards out of the corner of her eye, seeing the curiosity marked in his eyes. She ran her hand down the length of his chest till she found his heartbeat. It beat in a rapid tattoo, in strict contrast to the calm he tried to exude.

Kissing his smooth chest, letting her lips linger on the dry, silken texture of his skin, she drank in the subtle fragrance of his scent.  She tried to frame a description in her mind.  Spice? Musk? Copper? Or a combination of those three things?

"Amanda."

He now tried to put a space between them. It was new territory to them both, but one she knew had to be traveled.  She didn't know if anything Sarek had known before this had prepared him for what she would want and need. This was all that she would require of him—to know he would truly be there for her once the doors to the outside world were closed. If he protested, if he refused, she knew it would be a life she would have to walk away from, no matter how great the temptation.  For one thing she was sure of—she did not have a masochistic bone in her body.

"Trust me," she said as she took Sarek by both of his hands and led him to his bedroom door.  On reaching it she dropped them and turning, firmly grasped the knobs on the double doors flinging them open.  Then she turned back toward him and in one fluid motion loosened the sash on her robe and let it fall to the floor.



Stirring within the gentle embrace of his arms, she let the back of her hand trail down his side, marveling at the wonder of it all.  It had been rocky for a while until she had found the trigger point, a spot that seemed to have even been a total surprise for him, but once found, there had been no stopping either of them.  She had the answer she needed and desired.  In fact, all said, it was more than she could have imagined.  Amanda sighed contentedly, then felt Sarek stir, grasping her hand and pulling up to look at it, letting his fingers trace the length of hers.

His voice was a husky whisper. "I believe you owe me an answer?"

She pulled herself up so she could look directly and deeply into his eyes willing him to feel the truth of her reply. "I will never leave you.  I will always be there for you, no matter what. You need to believe that and know you can trust your secret with me." She enfolded her arms about him squeezing tight, burrowing her head in the crook of his arms, trying to hide the tears that had sprung up unbidden.

He tenderly pried her face free of its refuge and gently brushed the tears from her cheeks.  " I would not have you cry."

"I don't think you have a choice in the matter," she laughed, "so I suppose you had best get used to it."

"Indeed." He let a small smile play about the corners of his generous mouth. "And I am sure that there are manners of mine that you will need to adjust to as well. I hope that you will find some of them at least at pleasant as the ones you subjected me to this night."

She laughed and kissed him with a playful kiss and he responded with one filled with promise as they tumbled across the bed in movements of sheer joy, in true discovery of one another. And at this very moment all was right with the universe.

The sun had rose finding their bodies still entwined. And though over the course of the years necessity might keep them physically apart at times, in their hearts and souls neither was ever to sleep alone again.