Title: The Path of the Heart
Author: Amanda Grayson
Code: Sa/Am
Series: TOS
Rating: PG-13
Disclaimer:
Summary: Yet another ‘how they met’ story,
Notes: This ‘memoir’ was written about twenty years ago. It was first printed in More Missions, More Myths #4 (ed. Wendy Rathbone). While it is always difficult to leave well enough alone, I have attempted to make only minor changes, striving to keep the original tone of this work.
Warning: This is a very different Amanda than the one we often read about.
Compiler's note: The journals of Amanda Grayson, wife of
Ambassador Sarek of Vulcan, were first published five years after the death of their son,
Ambassador Spock, almost a hundred years after the author's own demise. What was then released to the public was a
large collection
of memoirs, often well-detailed in their account of political and diplomatic
events. They also contained an intimate
description of her relationship with her husband. The beginning of that relationship is reprinted here
with the permission of the Ambassador’s granddaughter, Ariel Winston.
'For me, there is
only the traveling on paths that have heart, on any path that may have heart. There I travel, and the only worthwhile challenge is to
traverse its full length. And there I travel, looking, looking breathlessly.'
The
Teachings of Don Juan
Carlos Casteneda
1006.02: I started my summer job today. I am tutoring three children in English and
Terran history at the Vulcan Embassy.
The children are, of course, Vulcan.
They are T'Li, 3, Sakar, 4, and T'Lin,
5. They are all new to Terra and do not
yet speak English, but I know they will
learn fast because they are very intelligent.
It was strange how I got this
job. I work for the Federation Education
System and during the year I teach at a school
for the kids whose parents are in the Intergalactic Service. I've taught many different races - once for about two weeks, we even had a couple
of Klingons at the school - but never a
Vulcan. Vulcans are very private - one
wonders why they ever joined the Federation -
they are so private - and in the past, they have had their own tutors, but
something is going on at the Embassy - or at least that is what Sam Williams,
my supervisor, suspects.
Last week, he told me that
there had been a turnover of some sort at the Embassy recently. 'No one
really knows what is going on,' he said.
'You know those Vulcans – tight-lipped as Aldebaran
shellmouths.
But practically the entire staff of aides was either transferred or dismissed. Even
the healer left. And now they've asked
for a tutor from the outside.' Although we had
been informed that this position was just for the summer, Sam and the Federation
High Council feel this is the beginning of a more 'open' policy from the
Vulcans.
'It has to be coming from Ambassador Sarek,' Sam said. 'He's been trying
to establish better relations between Vulcan and the rest
of the Federation for the two years he's been here. Maybe now he'll get
something accomplished.’
So far, all he's gotten is unwanted publicity. I am the first human - the first non-Vulcan
actually - to ever step foot past the public quarters of the Embassy. I told you Vulcans were private. Sam
warned me about this. He told me the
Federation High Commissioner wanted details -
but not to leak to the press. I told him
if the High Commissioner wanted details, she could either read about them in her morning download or get the
Ambassador to invite her over for tea. I'm not going to spy. They have other people to do that. I don't know what Sam told her - but I still have my job.
So today, when I left the Embassy, I was surrounded by reporters who all wanted to know
'what it was like'. I told them it was just like any other
Embassy I had been in - I lied. But more on that
later. Right now I have to crash - it's very late.
Oh - I did meet Ambassador
Sarek today - reserved but cute. (!)
1006.03: Vulcans are weird - but weirder still is my mother. Twenty years old, and I still live at
home. It's disgusting - but I'm going
for my Masters - and all my money goes for school. As soon as I can, I'm
leaving. Anyway, my mother didn't want
me to take this Embassy job. My mother is suspicious of anyone who doesn't come
from Terra - or her part of the planet. She said she always worries about me
when I have Embassy jobs. She's worried
I'll get kidnapped or raped or something.
I tried to point out that such worries are unfounded where Vulcans are concerned. Vulcans have no emotions. Violent crimes - like rape - are illogical to
them. Unfortunately, this did not
satisfy her. She began ranting about how
all those emotions - pushed under the surface - have to explode sometime. I told her that was for humans - not
Vulcans. Then she told me this crazy
story about a Vulcan who raped a woman on one of the Martian outposts - this
happened twenty-five years ago. The
woman died as a result of the Vulcan's great force. I asked what happened to the guy and she said
it was hushed up -apparently he was a great disgrace to the Vulcan
government. They sent him home and,
since then, she said, all Vulcan males who work off-planet have to be either
married or engaged. I don't think
Ambassador Sarek is married - or engaged - but I didn't tell my mother. I really want
this job.
I promised to tell you more about the Embassy. These are details no one else knows except
the Vulcans. No 'outworlder' - that is
what they call non-Vulcans - has ever seen the private quarters - until now.
The first thing I noticed on
coming into the Embassy was the heat.
Everyone notices this actually - and the public building is generally
kept at 25 degrees C as a courtesy. The
offices of the Ambassador and his staff are here. Everyone who works at the Embassy is Vulcan,
even the custodial staff.
I am allowed in only one
section of the private quarters. This
section contains the living quarters for the three families whose children I
tutor. The Ambassador's quarters are
also located here, on the second floor. It is a bit hotter - about 32 degrees. That
is considered 'cool' to the Vulcans apparently. Will I last?
Yesterday the healer, Sinn,
gave me a brief tour of certain parts of the Embassy. Sinn looks to me to be middle-aged, and yet
he is T'Li's father.
T'Li told me, via translator, that she had two
older brothers who go to school on Vulcan.
The oldest is due to start at the
Sinn confirmed T'Li's story. He said that
most of the children were either at school or visiting relatives and that most
of them would return in the fall with their tutors. 'These three were too young to be away from their families,' he explained.
He showed me the courtyard and
the recreation areas and the classroom where I was to teach. I also got
to see a large dining room which is sometimes used for common meals. I got a glimpse of a room - the door was open - which was dimly lit and smelled
heavily of incense. Sinn said it was a meditation room, and I was never to go
in or disturb anyone in there. I am also not allowed in any other rooms than the ones he
showed me, nor was I allowed to see them.
Sinn made it quite clear that such places were exceedingly private and
that violation of his orders meant
immediate dismissal. I agreed to obey -
what other choice did I have?
1006.05: I guess Sinn is sort of my supervisor at the
Embassy. He certainly orders me around
enough. I suppose he has nothing else to
do. He is a healer and if no one is
sick.... I know he is in charge of training
the children. He gave me their schedule
and said it was to be strictly
followed.
Everyone at the Embassy gets up
at dawn - including the little ones - and from that moment, their
training begins. They meditate, that
much I know. Sinn told me they were not
to discuss details of their training with
me and if they forgot, I was to remind them.
He did not say it, but I know
he thinks of me as an 'outworlder' and he wishes the children to think of me
that way too. He does not want them to forget I am not
Vulcan.
After meditation, etc., they
breakfast and then I arrive. Sinn has
allowed me great freedom in the manner of my teaching and for that I am
grateful. We study English in the morning
and history in the afternoon. At
1006.08: I hate weekends. I spent it doing lesson plans. My younger sister is never home -she's always
out with friends doing something. I am
at home - doing lesson plans. My friends
– they're all doing their lesson plans - or something else. I am not like my sister, surrounded by people.
I do better one-on-one, (sigh) I hate weekends.
1006.09: It is rest period. There is a beautiful fountain in the
courtyard surrounded by plants and flowers.
I go there to sit and think. The
sun is shining and it is cooler here than inside. Someone is coming.
The Ambassador came this afternoon! I am in love!
Anyway...he was walking and he saw me and he sat down and talked to
me. He commended me and said I was doing
an excellent job with the children.
'Do not let Sinn
dissuade you,' he said. 'You are an
excellent teacher. Sinn believes that
humans have nothing to teach us. I am
attempting to point out the illogic of this.
I hope you do not mind if you are
the example.'
I said I didn't.
I told him it was worth it and he raised an eyebrow! - and - made a face like he was going to smile - but he
didn't. He just said, 'Indeed.'
1006.10: The Ambassador came again today - which I
thought was strange, but I was reading in the courtyard at rest period and
there he was. It is stranger still that
we would have anything to talk about, but apparently we do. He asks me questions about my culture. I want to
ask about his, but I am afraid. I do not
wish to offend or seem to be prying into something that is not my
business. But he is not at all like
Sinn. Around Sinn, I always feel as
though I'm right on the verge of doing or
saying something wrong. It is different
with the Ambassador, thank God.
1006.11: T'Li was very proud
of herself today. When I arrived this
morning, she ran up to me and announced in
English, 'I go to water!' T'Lin, who is a little
older, and a bit more reserved added, 'We see the ocean. My father takes
us.' This was the first time they have spontaneously started a conversation in English,
so I decided to follow their lead. I
knew they had all seen the ocean - or
at least caught glimpses of it - living in
I really like the Ambassador, and I guess it's too bad - because he's Vulcan
and - they don't 'like' or 'love'. He's too old for me - looks to be in his
mid-thirties, but - if he were just a human, my age…sigh… Still it's nice to have someone to talk
to, even if he is out of reach.
This is my favorite
poem - or one of my favorite poems.
It was written in the late 20th
century.
Now could I cry
sweet tears
that in loving me,
he hath forgotten my soul.
Every moment is
but duty
and
every pleasure mere routine
He hath known my
body'
but not my heart.
0 would to God
some
sweet satyr could look
into my mind
and tell me what he sees.
My kingdom for a
man
who
would know my thoughts
And not be afraid.
Alas but there
is not one
who would know me thus.
Now could I cry sweet tears
and weep my fate
Thus shall my womb grow barren
and my heart wax cold.
My tears shall run bitter
for there is none that can comfort me
nor drink my sour rheum.
'It is not, nor it cannot come to good.
But break my heart, for I must hold my tongue.’
1006.12: Today we talked again about the beach. The kids all brought things they had
collected to show me. 'The ocean is
big,' Sakar said.
He seemed very impressed.
'T'Li
got scared,' T'Lin reported. It was almost as if she were tattling on T'Li.
'Baby,' Sakar
accused quietly. A wicked smile
threatened to break out on his face.
'I am not a baby!' T'Li exclaimed in Vulcan and she hit Sakar
on the arm.
'That's enough,' I ordered. I
pulled them apart and sat them down. 'T'Li is correct. She is not a
baby for having such feelings. The ocean
is big and it is strange to you all.'
'It is illogical to be afraid,'
T'Lin said. I
knew she was parroting what she had been taught.
I told her that was true, but T'Li had yet to
learn control. Heaven knows where that
came from! I wonder if these Vulcans are beginning to rub off on me!
When I reported the incident to
the Ambassador, he said I had handled it correctly.Perhaps
I am beginning to understand Vulcans.
I told my mother about it - how the Ambassador had complimented me -
and she said, 'That's good, just don't get too into their
ways. You're a human not a Vulcan.' Yeah, yeah. I think she still wants me to quit.
1006.13: Yuk. It is the weekend.
I should be studying. The kids have agreed to teach me - or help me
learn Vulcan. What a God-awful
language! Worse than Latin! Oh, well - at least I can half-way comprehend
the grammar. You'd think their language
would be logical, but it isn't. I mean,
not really. It has its rules and regulations - but it also has its infuriating
exceptions. It is like Latin--it has too many cases and too many inflected
endings.
1006.16: I have not said much about
history in here, but the kids enjoy it, too.
They seem to love anything that stimulates them
intellectually. Sometimes it puzzles
them - the history - the actions of humans.
'Why would adults behave so?' T'Lin asks often.
I have to explain that Terrans
are not ruled by logic. That usually
suffices, but today it brought an avalanche of questions. I think she mainly wanted to know why humans
hadn't 'seen the light', so to speak. I
told her that different planets and different people develop differently. But I think she was still puzzled as to how
people could not all come to the same logical
conclusions.
I am doing my own
research. I am studying Vulcan and
reading some history. There is very little known about Vulcan -or Vulcans - and very little
available to the general public. I told you they were private. I have asked T'Lin
if I could borrow some of her Vulcan history discs.
1006.18: I am in trouble. Sron, T'Lin's father discovered that I wished to borrow some of T'Lin's discs. He
was - do Vulcans get furious? He asked
me why I wished to borrow them since I could not
read Vulcan. I told him that I was
learning Vulcan and that my PADD could translate the discs. I told him that I merely wished to learn the
history of their planet just as he wished his child to learn the history of
mine. 'Is it not logical to attempt to
satisfy one's thirst for knowledge?' I asked him. He gave me the discs. Can Vulcans be grudging?
1006.19: Something - very strange - happened
today. At rest period, I went out to
read as usual - and the Ambassador came by. He does not come by every day but - when he
is at the Embassy, he seems to make a point of it.
'There is a dinner tomorrow
night at the Deltan Embassy,' he stated.
'I request that you accompany me.’
It was more like an order than a request, but I was too astonished to
point it out to him.
Was he - the Ambassador - asking me for a date? Do Vulcans date?
'Are you not engaged?' I asked.
Being around Vulcans makes me talk like them. My mother says one morning I'm going to wake up with pointed ears.
Sarek stiffened. 'That is my affair,’ he said.
'I beg forgiveness,
Ambassador,’ I said, 'but it is against Terran custom to accompany
another person to a social function if that person is already, in some way,
betrothed.'
Sarek raised an eyebrow. 'I
commend your logic,' he said. 'Sron said he thought we were influencing you. No, I am not -
'engaged'. Will you accompany me?'
'I shall be honored, Mr. Ambassador.' I smiled.
I was so excited I was ready to burst!!!
'Vulcans address one another by their first
names, Amanda,’ Sarek said. 'Yes, Sarek.’ He left then.
I think I am going to die!
1006.20: Dear Sarek:
I write to you in
here - because it is impossible for me to tell you my true feelings. I love you. It is probably just a passing fancy.
My mother did not
want me to go to this dinner with you tonight, but I told her I had already accepted. She
wants me to quit this job. She thinks I
am getting too caught up in all this. Sarek, am I not my own
person? I told her I was not
quitting. I told her that it would all be over in two more months anyway. But I know it will not be over - at least, not
in my heart.
AG
1006.21:
The dinner was very interesting. Deltans are very sensuous. Their food is excellent. They too have to be married to work among
humans, or they must take an oath of celibacy. It is due to their – it’s like sex hormones that smell -pheromones. They drive humans - wild. I can understand why they have to have those
rules to work among us, but Vulcans....
I tried to talk to Sarek about it, but he changed the subject on me.
The moon was full last night. There is no moon on Vulcan. 'Your moon has an interesting effect on me,'
Sarek told me as we left the party. ‘I find myself quite restive when it
is full. Would you like to walk with me
back to the Embassy?’ Of
course I said yes. Say no to a moonlit walk
with a handsome Vulcan? I would be crazy
to turn it down.
So we walked
back to the Embassy. I could not help
but think how romantic it was - except that he did not take my arm or hold my
hand - or kiss me.... That is too much
to expect. And then - I got in my car
and came home. (sigh) He is restive at the full moon.
1006.27: Friday again.
Nothing much has been going on around here. I am still teaching. My mother still wants me to quit. And - I am still in love - but I suppose it
is only a fantastical love - one that shall never be realised. How could it be? He is - too different.
1006.30: I blew it.
I had the kids write compositions on their families and discovered a curious thing.
T'Li has two older brothers, T'Lin has three older siblings, and Sakar,
one. All the children in each
family are spaced about eight years apart.
This is possible - to space children so far apart - because of the
Vulcan life span. And - I suppose such
spacing is logical.... I made the mistake of asking Sarek about it
however. I asked him if it was a custom and the reasoning behind it. ‘It is indeed a custom,' he said. 'And not one to be discussed with outworlders.' A chill went through me when he said
that. He has never called me an outworlder
before. I am used to it from Sinn - but
not from him. Despite everything, I am not a Vulcan - I cannot be. And there can be no love between us, no love
at all.
'Tell me no more of minds embracing minds,
And hearts exchanged for hearts.'
What can I help but dream of thee
and
sigh at thy remembrance?
What wert
thou truly but a cloud,
a wisp of fragile fantasy?
Talk no more of love to me
or of the moon's embrace
For I am drawn too quickly to thy
spell
and lost in thy words’ beauty.
Oh, guiling
serpent that thou be
thy poison is as wine and tasteth sweet.
In vain do I resist and throw the cup
for many times shall I once taste again
and fully drink it up.
1007.01: I am having a rest period in the library
today. I cleared it with Sinn - and no
one else uses it during this time so I can set the temperature for me. I do not wish to see Sarek if I can help it -
and he will not come looking for me - the library is a logical place. There I can study. I told my mom about what had happened. She said it was a good lesson for me. It pointed out that we were different, Sarek
and I, that such diverse cultures could never blend in a marriage. I think she was happy about it. I - am not.
1007.15: Vulcan children are amazing. They are almost proficient in English
now. I have not seen the Ambassador - when I think of him...I grow sad.
1007.21: Today I was studying and someone called my
name. I looked up. It was Sarek.
'I beg forgiveness,' he said. 'I
did not mean to offend you.’
I told him it was all right, that it just jolted me
out of silly fantasies. 'I thought I
could be - Vulcan - be like a Vulcan,' I told him. 'Your culture is fascinating to me. But my aspirations are illogical.’
'Perhaps not,' Sarek said. 'Perhaps one day you will know Vulcan and
what it is to be a Vulcan.' And then he
invited me to another dinner. (!)
1007.23: We are having a picnic today. I persuaded that stuffed shirt Sinn to let us
do it on the grounds - that it would be an 'educational experience’ for the
children. We ate out by the fountain and
Sarek joined us. It is a well-known fact
that Vulcans are vegetarians, so there was no meat - but we had plenty - a
mixture of Terran and Vulcan foods. We had a very good time.
1007.24: There is a formal dinner Friday night - and I
have invited Sarek for dinner on Saturday. My mother was not pleased, but I
told her Sarek was safe. I still haven't
told her he isn't married or engaged - she would have a stroke or
something. But I have managed to get my
mother and sister out of the house for that evening. Not an easy task.
1007.27: It has been - a glorious weekend. Friday night was an Embassy dinner, diplomats
and stuffed shirts with miles of red tape
and B.S. between
them. Sarek, I think, actually enjoyed it. Saturday night was dinner at my
house. I wasn't sure what he liked, but
I have seen him eat almost anything - except meat. We had egg foo yung. Afterwards, we
went out to the patio - my patio has
tons of plants on it - and we talked. I
told him it was really nice to talk to him again. I had missed that.
'You will never let anything so
trivial come between us again,' Sarek ordered.
(He is so funny when he does that.) 'I did not mean to hurt you. I sometimes forget that you are not ruled by logic.'
Was that a compliment?
And then he opened a small box,
and took out - a necklace. It is a gold
chain with a gold pendant that holds a single, small sapphire. The pendant is shaped strangely, sort of like
an ear - or a heart muscle - and the sapphire is
onthe outer rim.
It is so beautiful! I could
not believe he was holding it out - to me!
‘This is for you,' he said.
'Sarek,' I whispered. 'It is
so beautiful. Thank you.'
And then he put it around my
neck.
'Amanda, did you know that
Vulcans are touch telepaths?' he asked.
I didn't. He explained that that, too, was a private
thing.
'You have heard that Vulcans
get “engaged”,’ he began. I nodded. 'It is much more than that. It is a
“bonding”, more than a betrothal, but less than a marriage. Usually, one is bonded as a child, and after each has felt the other's thoughts - for
this initiates the bonding - the male gives the female a token, such as this
necklace.'
I stared at Sarek.
What was he asking? What was he
saying? I began to try to take the necklace off, but I was fumbling with the
clasp. Sarek almost looked hurt.
‘I have found you to be a very
young, yet honorable woman, Amanda,' he began, 'and
one worthy of my attention. Please do not misconstrue my words - or my
intent.’
I stopped trying to take off
the necklace. Do Vulcans love? I wondered. How
could it be possible? I am so desperate for love. How could he know that - even begin to
understand it?
So I have the necklace. It is so beautiful. It is a promise, a hope that love will come to me someday. I
cherish this necklace - my Vulcan heart.
1007.28: My mother has seen the necklace. She wants to know if something is 'going on.’ What do I say? Everything and nothing. It is all on a level she would not
understand. So I told her we were
friends. She told me not to let my
fantasies run away with me. What
fantasies am I creating? It is true I
have loved him in my dreams, but now - are these dreams?
‘One cannot cross the line.'
That is what they have said,
and sometimes they are very right.
But other times I think
they just do not know.
It is true I am too innocent
and gullible.
I
still believe in faery tales
and Santa Claus.
But
belief is God
and you could say God is a fantasy,
but you know it is not.
How
then can you call this unreal?
Today at rest period, Sarek
said, 'T'Lin tells me you are studying the Vulcan
language. May I assist you?’
What was I supposed to say? 'No?' - I am not crazy. He helped me today. I am supposed to come to his quarters(!) Wednesday night for more instruction. If he were human, I could predict the amount
of studying we would actually do. But as
he is not, I cannot. I will let you
know how it comes out.
1007.29: A disaster almost occurred today. I wore my necklace to work. I was going down the hall to the classroom
when I ran into Sarek. He took one look at
me and pulled me into the meditation room -
evidently he had just come from there.
He ordered me to take off the necklace.
'Why?'
'Amanda,' he said, 'you are
broadcasting what is still a very private matter between us.'
'You mean everyone here would think
that you...and...I...?'
He nodded. I took off the necklace. I asked him why he hadn't told me.
'We are so compatible, I often
forget that you know nothing of our culture,' he said. 'I shall have
to teach you some of our ways and customs.'
Perhaps I am no longer an
outworlder.(!)
1007.30: Sarek's tonight!!
1007.31: I got home very late - 0100 last
night. I went to Sarek's at
Last night, I went back to the
Embassy. I was escorted by an aide to
Sarek's private quarters. I have never been in this part of the
Embassy. Sarek's quarters are quite
large. There is a bedroom (which I have not seen) and a private bath. The main room has a computer layout and desk with a couch and some chairs and there
is a smaller room with a firepot and pillows. Incense
is burned there.
We sat at the computer console
and worked and drank tea. Sarek tested
me on my knowledge of the Vulcan language and proceeded from there. I really haven't had much practise, since the children always have to practise their English
whenever I am with them.
After that, Sarek talked to me
of things Vulcan. He said that although
he was neither bonded nor married, the
Federation had allowed him this post because of the shortage of Vulcan Ambassadors. 'Vulcans find most of the Federation to be
- distasteful. In many cases, we have had to call in diplomats from other planets to
either represent us or settle disputes. This is suboptimal.
I came voluntarily. No one could
turn that down,' he said.
I mentioned the press. They
would gloat over such information - such a breach of the rules. 'I trust you
will be discreet,’ he said.
I will. He told me that several of the female aides
were also unbonded.
Insurance, he said.
If my mother knew all this, she
would overload. I am not telling.
Sarek told me not to wear the necklace to the
Embassy again until he gave me 'orders to the contrary.' (!) (Vulcans sure are
bossy.) 'It is definitely a bonding
necklace,’ he said. They have certain characteristics,
like wedding rings. 'It would be
recognised immediately. No one would
dare say anything, but suspicion would be aroused. Sinn already believes I spend too much time with you.’
I wasn't sure I understood all this. What does Sinn care? Sarek said that they are not supposed to
become too involved with ‘outworlders.’. I really
hate that word.
I am beginning to think that Vulcans are bigoted or
something. It is not logical, but they
seem to look down their noses at anyone who does not have pointed ears - except
Sarek. He has never looked down at me.
1008.01: Study, study, study.
1008.04: The end of the summer is upon us - my job at
the Embassy ends soon. Back to school
and back to studying my brains out. I
like tutoring much better.
How do I get into these things? Saturday, Sarek has another diplomatic function. I am going. Isn't it going to get around that
we are 'going out' with each other? The
press is going to catch on soon, and, of
course, we have a Wednesday study date....
My dearest Sarek.
‘Now could I cry sweet tears.’ My mother
suspects us. I keep telling her we are
only friends, but she does not believe me.
She thinks it is wrong...my loving you is wrong. Sarek, how could love
be wrong? I know we are from different
cultures, different races.... My mother feels that people from different races cannot
love, cannot have a good relationship, but we.... She wants me to break it off with you,
to cancel the dates, but I cannot. I
told her it was impossible this week.
She is glad my job is ending.
Sarek, how can I even tell you these things?
1008.05: A poem - attributed to
I grieve and dare
not show my discontent,
I love and yet am forced to seem to hate,
I do yet dare not
say I ever meant,
I seem stark mute yet inwardly do prate.
I am and not, I freeze
and yet am burned,
Since from myself,
another self I turned.
My care is like my
shadow in the sun,
Follows me flying,
flies when I pursue it,
Stands and lies by
me, doth what I have done.
His too familiar
care doth make me rue it,
No means I find to
rid him from my breast
'Til by the end of things it be supprest.
Some gentler
passion slide into my mind,
For I am soft and
made of melting snow;
Or be more cruel, love, and so be kind.
Let me float or
sink, be high or low,
Or let me live with
some more sweet content,
Or die, and so
forget what love ere meant.
1008.06: I went to Sarek's tonight. It is late - 0115 - but I cannot sleep. I told Sarek of my trouble. I told him my mother did not trust Vulcans -
although it makes me ill to think about such things. We discussed the age difference - I found out
he is much older than I thought - he is sixty-four! He is older than my mother! He is old enough to be my grandfather! I began to cry. Sarek had never seen tears
before. Vulcans do not cry.
I blurted out to him that I loved him, that
I knew it was impossible - there are too many things against
it. 'And yet I cannot help myself,' I
told him.
'Be calm, Amanda,’ he ordered gently - but I
could not be so.
'I cannot forget my fantasies,' I said. 'I cannot give up my love - even if it is
wrong. I was still crying.
'Amanda.' Sarek looked at
me, caught my gaze - I felt something - I stopped crying, stopped being so frantic, felt fingers go to my face and
then - love washed over me - pure, tender, gentle, beautiful love - and
it came from Sarek. I began to cry
again. Sarek pulled back, perplexed, but the feeling of his presence
remained.
'I did not think...it was possible,' I
whispered.
'Amanda, please do not misinterpret what you
felt,' he warned. 'I care for you, I honor you.
But I do not - no Vulcan could - love you.'
That is his story. He
touched my mind. I felt his spirit. I know he does.
1008.07: I wake up - the sun is streaming through my
window - I cannot believe it but it is
true ...a Vulcan loves me.(!)
Today when I was sitting
outside, Sarek came and took me to his quarters. We talked a while and then he put his hand to
my face again. I have never felt
anything like this before. He is so
present. Even now, I feel him.
'This is what it is like for
Vulcans,' Sarek told me. I can barely speak when he does this. I am so swept away
by the euphoria...but he knows my thoughts.
hypnotise.
and take me away on silvered wings.
I will fly at a glance.
hum a tune
sing your song
and I will follow.
I long for a oneness
that does not here exist,
a knowledge
a being
that Terra does not know.
Terra,
the great father of all the planets
the tiny being in the third of nine has ne'er felt such a oneness
but between God and man
and that complete oneness
was broken—
long ago.
Man has not known it since.
so take me away and teach
I tremble at your touch
yet lead—
and I will follow sing your song
and I will dance.
1008.08: I am one with him - I feel him
at night when I go to sleep. I snuggle
against him in my mind - I smell him - he washes
over me when I am driving or walking - I am so happy. I am so in
love.
1008.10: My mother sees the light in my eyes and wishes to kill it - Sarek is
too old for me - but he is near my ‘age.’
He is too different - he is a Vulcan and I am deceived if I believe he loves me.
I cannot tell her of my bonding - it is a private thing - and she would
be so mad if she knew a Vulcan had touched my mind. She would think me possessed - her words hurt me - but they cannot be true. He must love me - I felt it - I am sure of
this although it has happened so fast. Most Vulcans marry for life, Sarek told
me. I do not feel he would desert me - and yet - I am so distressed.(!)
Non Credabo
tell me that it is not
true
that it is the
workings of my heart
the fantastic
stirrings of my mind
tell me it is my
imagination—
i will not believe.
tell me that it is a
fever of my crazed brain, ,
i'm drugged
hypnotised,
i know not what i do
tell me tales of
loneliness
of single
entities encased in flesh
say that union is
impossible
that it is only
a story
trumped up by passioned fire
say that i am mad
i
will not believe
i will not believe
because i know
i have touched another's mind
known the union and the safety
felt the blissful
dream
tell me i am crazed,
living in
another world
feeding on fantasy
tell me
all—
i
will not believe
nor unstop my
ears
say that i am being led
innocent to
evil
the lamb to
the slaughter
ah no.
devils and
faeries both have
pointed
ears
but you will never
know—
perhaps i am mad
or
lost-
lost in a bond
feelings
and warmth
a
safety—
tell me tales of human
love—
how the earthers make their bonds
and propagate
how they know not love
from lust
how they cannot taste
oneness
because they do
not know themselves
that i will believe
but say that i am wrong
that
instinct lies
and i will turn away
tell me he is cold
that he cannot
love
cannot
know
that we are too
different
tell me that i do not love him—
i will not believe
(Prt 3)1008.11: What
a day! I had the day off from tutoring - I had to go to the University to check my classes for next quarter and to pay
my fees and get my PADDs downloaded.
Then I had to go see Sam, my supervisor - remember
him? He said he had received good
reports from Sinn regarding my work (I almost fell out of my chair). Sam did say, however, that Sinn suspected I was 'fraternising too much with other Vulcans who
were not my pupils.’ Sam asked
me with whom I was fraternising. I said
it was a private matter. Sam said,
'Don't go Vulcan on me, Grayson. What's
going on over there? If it's going to
cause an inter-galactic scandal, I need to
know about it.'
'It will raise some eyebrows,' I admitted, 'But it is still a private
affair and, in a few weeks, you
won't have to worry about it.'
Sam was
displeased. He warned me that it would
'be my ass' if anything happened. Then he gave me my assignment for the fall semester.
1008.12: My
mother is on the rampage again. Sarek
called last night. My mother wants to know what is going on. What am I supposed to say? I have joined minds with a Vulcan? I 'sleep' with him every night in my
mind? I can smell him, feel him with me
constantly? She would overload and blow
up and the whole area of
At break today - something
astounding happened.
It is very late - I find I
stay up until Sarek retires, and he tends to do that around
Today at break, Sarek took me
into the meditation room. This time I
really saw it. It is beautiful and is filled with incense and oil lamps. There is an altar with a large firepot and on one wall there is a metallic mosaic with
some type of symbol. It is a circle with
a smaller circle inside, and a triangle intersecting
them both. I do not know what it
means. And there was no time to ask.
The room is also filled with
pillows. We sat down on two which Sarek
placed near the altar. He meditated for a moment and then turned to me.
'We must talk seriously,' he said.
'I feel you with me constantly. Do you wish to continue this bond?'
I could not believe he was
asking me such a thing. I told him that
my mother did not approve of what I was
doing. This is very hard on me. 'But I love you, Sarek,' I told him. 'I am one
with you. No one else can give me
that. I cannot break this off.'
'Very well,' he said. Then fingers went to face again and we melded
- deeper than ever before. I felt him, felt the utter core of him and he me. At the base of his being he is - was -lonely
- until me. He needs my love as
desperately as I need his, although he would never admit it. His emotions have been
sublimated and yet he is still vulnerable.
And he found me -his Innocent - his
Amanda. He sensed the meld was a lot for
me, the whirl of it all...can be... chaotic. He never fully separated from me. He never will, but after the deep meld
diminished, we sat, fingers in communion with one
another and I felt his love as I did that first night.
'My Amanda,' he said softly.
'Has anyone ever made beautiful love to you?'
I was surprised at his
words. I don't know how humans think
Vulcans propagate, but surely it cannot be from passion. I told him no. 'No one has loved me as you do, Sarek.' He did not protest my use of the word 'love' as he usually does.
'It will not be an easy path
for us, t’hy'la,' he said. 'Many will be
against us. If you wish to back out at any time, I will understand.'
But I have gone too far. I am one with Sarek, whom I love. It cannot be undone. I cannot do it.
1008.14:
divorce is simple
in Vulcan terms—
you go your way—
I'll go mine and the knot is undone
but i don't think i could stand it.
This is my last week at the Embassy. My mother thinks after this, it will be the
end - but I know it is not.
1008.19:
Sarek loves Amanda—?
how can this be?
how can
such a creature have such a deep emotion and how can he direct it at one such
as I?
hasn't anyone taught him
about racism?
or that he should
stay with
his 'own kind’?
i know that before he was lonely, that
isn't logical either.
i don't understand anymore.
there is no logic
in this
there is no logic
in anything
i love
him!
is that
so terrible?
but WHY
does he love me?
1008.20: ‘0 my dear parents, forgive me!.... I shall never be able to think of anybody in the world
but him. Presumption! you
will say; and so it is. But love is not
a voluntary thing. Love, did I say? But come, I hope not... For I know not how it came, nor when it
began, but crept, crept it has, like a
thief upon me; and before I knew what was the matter, it looked like love.’
Pamela, Samuel Richards
We study at night, but at rest period - we
love. He touches my mind...his fingers -
there is electricity in them. He shows
me, teaches me how to do it - he tells me of things Vulcan. It is our last week together. After this - we will be able to see each
other only once or twice a week.
1008.25:
First day of school - GROSS. I have
Oh, delinquent class - what fun! All
the world's behaviour problems in one place. I have fifteen students, ages 6-12. As I knew, 1/3 of them are Tellarites. Tellarites just have no discipline - they
cause more fights. And I have 1/3
Andorian - they fight with the Tellarites.
The remaining five: two Terrans, one Deltan (a surprise), a Rigellian,
and two Denebians. With some of them, it
is just language barriers. The Deltan
worries me though. She is seven and seems totally unresponsive to what is going on.
Sarek called. I can wear the necklace now. I can even wear it to the Embassy. Yippee!
1008.27: I am going to Sarek's to study. My mother was amazed - wants to know how much
studying we actually do - two to three hours.
Sarek is a Vulcan. He
makes me work and I told her it would not hurt for me to know another
language. She asked me where I was going
to use it. What could I say?
1008.28: It
is the Vulcans' turn to have the obligatory diplomatic dinner - next
Friday. This Friday,
dinner at the Andorian Embassy. I
will wear my Vulcan heart.
1008.29: Hmm - I had a good time despite all. Sinn came with his wife, along with Sarek's
top aide, S'ron (T'Lin's
father) and his wife. They all raised
silent eyebrows when they saw my bonding necklace, but as Sarek once assured me
- they said nothing. According to logic
and Vulcan customs it is a private matter
and none of their business.
We walked home tonight. Sarek invited me to his quarters and I
accepted. Our fingers touched. I feel so close - so one with him - how could
I ever give him up?
1008.30: I feel - so married. Here I am doing lesson plans (groan). I am still worried about my Deltan, Leehaj. I do not
think she knows English and I know absolutely zero Deltan -well, I can count to three, but that is not going
to help.
How much longer?
We have that dinner on Friday.
And I have 'Vulcan Indoctrination' (hee) on
Wednesday. (hee) I call it that because Sarek teaches me of
things Vulcan as well as the language. God, I miss him.
1009.01: I wake up
beside - my husband - for he is as much my husband to me now as he shall ever
be. feel his
gentle inundations and I can send thoughts of love to him. He will receive them. Despite all the flack I
get it is worth it for me. Without it -
I would no longer be among the living.
Sarek's Prayer
Amanda, Amanda
my
beautiful, sweet child— would I could keep thee
from the world, lock thee away and keep thee safe hold thee tight and never let
thee go.
thou seem'st so fragile--
thou wert like to break at the mere whisper
of a gentle breeze and so I would
hold you to keep thee from it
I long to show
you many things— yet under my protection
with the strong grip of my wrist to thine
Were you to break
my bonds
still I could not let thee go but hold thee safe in a corner of my mind
Amanda, Amanda
my sweet child that art so fragile
and yet so strong let me
love thee without fear and teach thee
without pain
trust me my innocent
let thy
aura merge with mine—
then nothing can take
us apart.
The words just came to me this morning - whether or not they are truly
Sarek's - I do not know - but they are beautiful
1009.04: Last night we studied. School for me starts soon. Sarek seemed a little sad - if that is
possible for a Vulcan - but he wouldn't tell me what it was about, nor could I
discover it when we joined minds later.
That door was apparently closed to me.
He gave me a
present though. He said, 'I know that
many Terran women mutilate their ears by piercing them in order to wear
jewellery. I see that you are one of
them.’ And then he held out his
hand. In it was a type of earring - an
ear cuff and a post connected by delicate chains.
'The women on Vulcan once did as you do,' he explained, 'but the custom
has gone out of fashion. This
belonged to my grandmother. It is
several centuries old.’
He took me to the
mirror and watched me put it on. It was
indeed very old, and it made me feel 'owned', like I belonged to Sarek. When I told him this, he raised an eyebrow,
but said nothing about it.
'This, too, is not to be worn until the proper time,' he said, side-stepping
my remarks. I took it off and we continued to study.
1009.05:
What a day! The Tellarites and
Andorians had a fight on the playground and Thlan
(worse language than Vulcan!) dislocated one of his antennae. It didn't hurt him too much, but it really
threw him off. He couldn't hear well and
had no depth perception. The nurse fixed
it and she showed me how to correct the problem in the future. Rash, (that's really his name, although it's pronounced a little differently in
Tellarite), the one who caused the fight, spent the rest of the day at
the Isolated Computer. Then I had to go
to the Embassy to prepare for tonight's dinner.
Sarek had told me I had to come early.
Today, I saw his
bedroom. He has a large bed - the room
is dark but cozy. He has a small firepot and an incense burner and - a harp. He told me to bathe and showed me what to
wear. After I dressed, he put my bonding
necklace around my neck and told me to sit down. He began to
brush and comb my hair.
'I am giving
this dinner tonight,' he stated. 'You
will be my hostess. Act graciously and
if you are unsure about what to say upon a political matter, say nothing at
all. Most of the diplomats do not wish to discuss work at a social occasion, but the
Tellerite delegation probably will, simply because
they will be looking for conflict.’
I told him about
Rash and Thlan.
I hoped it would not turn into a diplomatic incident. All this
while, he was brushing my hair, twisting it, and braiding it.
'Your hair is much softer, much finer, than that of Vulcan women,' he
said.
I felt a tingle
go through my scalp to the back of my neck.
His two fingers stroked my face.
He was admiring my beauty, sending love to me. I still cannot believe he loves me.
When Sarek finished, I looked about as Vulcan as I could be without
having my ears pointed. My
hair was done, braided with pearls and ribbons.
Sarek told me to ignore any looks I might get from the other
Vulcans. 'I have chosen you,' he said.
'They can do nothing.’
I was nervous,
but I did all right. Most of the
diplomats accepted me graciously. Some
had seen me before. Some thought I was a
student, studying the
Sarek told me I
did well, but Sinn - he was angry, if that is possible for a Vulcan. His wife or someone else should have been
hostess. He does not recognise me as
being Sarek’s bondmate. I am still just
a teacher to him.
1009.06: It isn't logical - but I miss
Sarek on the weekends.
1009.07: It is
I dreamt I was
bonded to some girl - I think I was male in this dream - and the girl
died. She was a Vulcan, but she died for
some reason. Oh, the agony I felt! I wanted to follow her into death - I did not
want to live - but they - there were - healers - all around me - they said -
they kept thinking I was being illogical - they would not let me die - would
not-- I woke up, tears streaming down my face.
I must ask/tell Sarek about this dream.
I am not
supposed to do this - but I am - his wife? - I am something to him. School will be over soon - it is almost
I went to tri' kah n'iin - to the large meditation
room. Sarek was already there - with
others - meditating. I knew I would get
it if I disturbed them, so I sat on a pillow in the back and tried to remember
what Sarek has taught me - I'm lousy at meditating - I can do it and Sarek says
I have great telepathic ability - but I am a little afraid.
Anyway - meditations can last forever, but I noticed there were several
children present. They are not required
to meditate for ages - T'Li got up first and quietly
knelt before the firepot and then left. Sakar came next, followed by T'Lin
and others in succession. Finally, Sarek
rose. When he turned and saw me, his
eyebrow flew up - as if in shock. He
motioned for me to come with him, and we went to his
rooms.
He told me he had felt me - but had not understood it - because I am not
usually at t'ri kah n'iin. I told him why I
had come. I told him about the
dream. His eyes got very moist.
'Amanda...,' he began, but he stopped and put my hand to
his face. It was true. My dream was true - it was Sarek. He has
been bonded before - when he was a child - but his - bondmate died 3.27 years
ago. It was then that he gave up his physics career and became an
Ambassador. That is why he was not
bonded when we met. I do not know why he
hadn't married her - I didn't ask.
'As you remember from your dream,' Sarek said, 'I acted illogically at T'Sri's death. Vulcans view death as a passage. They mourn - and then it is done. We believe the soul continues and goes on to other lives. In a bonding, one feels the other and when
one dies, the other releases that person - or they, too, will follow into
death.' Sarek turned away from me. 'I wished to
follow T'Sri.
As you know, I was not allowed to do so.
And the healers realised--emotion was involved. They did not publicise this fact. But I had shamed myself and Vulcan. I had to
leave.'
And I felt that time - and the time before I came. How lonely - how desperate he, too, was. Now I know
why he chose me - I am an emotional human.
He will never seem too emotional for me. I will never be
embarrassed by him. I will not berate him. He will always be safe with me. And I love him.
1009.15: I have been so busy. I have been planning and
studying and today was the first day of school for me. I have an independent language seminar and
intergalactic political history. Intergal pol is so complex - and, of course, I have decided to study
Vulcan for my language seminar. Sarek is
allowed to be my instructor. I have
already gotten it approved.
I called Sarek to inform him of this. He seemed so sad - I know it is illogical,
but this sadness has been with us for weeks.
I do not understand it and he will not talk about it. Anyway, he has to go to D.C. this week. He said he would be back Friday night. 'I will take you to dinner when I return,' he
said. 'Then we will talk.’
What is on his mind I hate that he will not tell me. I shall have to
wait.
1009.17: Work, work, work. It is a wonder I have time to write in
here. I miss Sarek - I miss our 'tutoring' sessions and I have
assignments he has left me. But still I
can feel him and I feel - sadness - a
mourning I do not understand.
1009.19: Oh, help.
Sarek picked me up at home
tonight - met my mother. And then we
went out to eat. The moon was full. We went to
'I have been transferred,’ he
said. 'To Altair VI.’
'When?’ I asked.
'At the end of the year, I must leave,’ Sarek
told me.
My first reaction was anger. If he knew, why did he get involved with me?
'I did not know until recently,’ Sarek said, reading my thoughts. 'I suspect it is a political maneuver. Sinn has
great influence with the Council.’
I was glad it was dark. I was falling apart. I looked up at the moon, but it was a
blur. Tears ran down my face.
'Amanda,' Sarek said softly,
'Let us go home.’
We went to his quarters. I
cried. 'It's not your fault, I know.' I
bit my lip. And then I asked him timidly, 'Is
there grad school on Altair VI?’
Sarek almost smiled. 'I believe so,' he said.
1009.20:
I did not sleep well. Sarek did
not either, I think. He woke at
1009.22:
Today I got info on what was available on Altair VI. It is not like here. Altair VI is - well - a spot in the sky, but
they do have universities, etc. I also
put in for a transfer at the
1009.23: will you go with this man?
they
asked,
i answered,
i
do not know.
1009.24: I found it hard to concentrate tonight, but
Sarek pushed me. Later, only after I had read out loud to him and translated an
English poem into Vulcan - not an easy task - two different cultures - did he
allow me to seek solace in the joining of our minds.
He enveloped me - soothed me. 'I have found that humans seem to need their
adversity,' he said quietly. We were
lying against pillows in the alcove.
This is the only time he allows his barriers to drop and the only time
he seems physically close. His two
fingers often stroke my face. Our
energies combine. But he has made it
quite clear that it is only for these times and
not in public.
'Your pain will
give you strength if you allow it, Amanda,' he said. 'At the proper time, I will teach you how to rid yourself of it, when it is no longer of any
use.’
I fell asleep in his arms. He was so calming and so gentle. He makes me weep.
1009.25: There is an old phrase, '
'Why in the hell do you want
to go there?’ he asked.
I got very Vulcan. ‘'There is a position
there, is there not?’ I asked.
'Yes, but that place is a spot in the sky,'
he said. 'Podunk
Station.’
'The amount of traffic to
Altair VI does not concern me,' I said. 'Whether or not you will transfer
me does.'
He stared at me.
And then he turned to his computer.
In a minute he was back, looking at
me. 'I should have guessed,' he
said. 'What do you think you're doing? Are you following the Vulcan Ambassador to Altair?'
'What does it matter?' I asked
coolly.
'It matters a great deal,' Sam
practically shouted at me. 'You do this
and the press will lap it up. We don't need that type of publicity and the Vulcans
will practically squirm at such an invasion of their precious
privacy.’ He said he would not okay my
transfer. I said I was going anyway.
'As what?’ he asked.
'As
Ambassador Sarek's wife!’ I exclaimed and
left.
I cannot believe that such
prejudice exists today, in our time. I mean this is 2210 - give me a break!!
1009.26:
This morning, my mother told me she had heard that Sarek was going to
Altair. She said it would be a 'good
experience' for him. I reminded her that
Sarek was older than she (by about fifteen years or so) and he was not a
child. I did not tell her I was planning
to go.
1009.28: My dearest
Sarek:
You must feel my pain -
it is so intense. I am ashamed of it and
yet I cannot control it. It was in the news
tapes and tabloids that I have applied for a transfer. My mother was furious that I had not told her.
We had a fight. I told her I was
going to tell her. I told her I was going and she said if I went it would be a mistake -
that to love you is impossible and that you do not love me. How
can this be true, marite, when I have felt your
love? I told her I wanted to marry you. She told me if I did that, such a marriage
would fail - our backgrounds are so
diverse. She said - it is unnatural
- unnatural for me to love you.
Sarek, loving you has been
the most natural, human thing I have ever done.
She said if I went to Altair - if I married you - I could forget about my family - they would
have nothing more to do with me. My sister will not even speak to me. How can I choose Sarek? And why do I have to choose?
A Vulcan
and a human
cannot love—
they say—
because one is one species
and one is another
that is interspecies love--
all right for animals—
but not for humanoids
races cannot interbreed
how old is this taboo?
old —as far back as racial memory
can go.
so my senses—
my brain
tell me that to love the Vulcan
is wrong--
while my heart says otherwise.
o why could not our love have been the
same?
where are the walls
that hold us back?
where is the ice—
the line over which we dare not step— the something which keeps us
to ourselves—
never fully giving?
where are the restraints? perhaps
we should have made some
we did not—
now it is too late—
and now we will either make or
break—
sink or swim,
only God knows
which way the pendulum
swings.
1009.29: My mother has forbidden me to see Sarek. I told her I am leaving anyway. She told me I could leave now. I
backed down. It is too hard, too difficile.
But I will not obey her. I
cannot.
1009.30: 'flow my tears....'
I went to see Sarek - and could not find him - left
a message.
Sarek called me at
1010.01: There are forty-four years between us. Many years, and yet - it does not seem so when we are together.
1010.03: It is
I wanted to see you grow my
child
to see you thrive
in the light of my love
to see you blossom
in the warmth of the spring.
but now I fear
it is not to be—
I wanted to hold you in the
night
caress your hair in the darkness
feel the great comfort of your warmth
now I fear it is not
to be—
I wanted to guide you
to
love you
to
fully know you
as you would fully
know
and love me
but what is this ice
between us?
and what is this salt on my face?
can Vulcan tears
melt
the hard hearts of Terra?
my young beautiful
wife
what have I done?
what treacherous path
have I
lead you down?
can you even know
the way back?
just this once
I paid no heed to logic
I saw
I loved
I pitied
and I felt
I let my emotion guide me
damn all the humans
whose glands control their
thoughts!
I would take my bride from
them all—
yet—she has a life too—
I must let her make her
choices for herself
even though I dare not.
a Vulcan
and a human
cannot love
and yet we do....
But other things go on. Leehaj is being transferred - her parents may have to
return to their home planet to get the help Leehaj
needs. I do not know exactly what is
wrong - but something is....
1010.04: This home - is now a hell to me. There is no peace. My sister will not speak to me. My mother berates me. I am so torn, so confused. I have only known Sarek a few months, and yet
I am forced to make this awful life-changing decision. I cannot let him go. I know he would release me - all I need do is
say the word. I cannot. This, this torment I am in cannot
continue. I must find peace, but my
mother says I will not find peace until I cut this off. If I cut this off I shall never be at
peace. I feel as though I am standing at
a fork in the road. One path is Life and
the other is Death.
1010.05: I cannot live here anymore.
I cannot live with you
It would be Life—
And Life is over there—
Upon the Shelf
Life is with Sarek.
How can I deny that? I am leaving
my house - I cannot stay here any longer.
I do not care now - I cannot let my Vulcan go - I cherish our bond too
much. No human could give me what he
does. I am sorry my mother - sorry that
you do not understand, but I cannot give him up.
Here I sit, in – Sarek’s quarters - my books and my
plants surround me. Sarek is out on
business. I feel so alone. I will probably never see my family - my
human family - again. And I do not know
if Sarek's people will accept me either.
1010.06: It is morning and my tears have dried. I wake up next to my love - strong and
handsome - I am sad, and yet he takes that sadness away. I hope I have done the right thing. If he
does not want me - then - I shall probably be stranded.
1010.07: This is a partial heaven to me. Sarek and I are doing well, although we have
shocked the Vulcans. Sinn raises a brow
every time I pass, every time he sees us touch two-on-two. He thought to stop it - to thwart our love by
arranging Sarek's transfer. Instead, he
sped up the inevitable conclusion for us.
'I need to find quarters for
you,' Sarek said today. Apparently it
is not 'kosher' for us to live together,
even though there has been no sex involved.
I told him we needed to be married before we left for
Altair.
'I love you,' I told him. 'But I will not go with you without some form of commitment.'
Sarek looked puzzled. 'Amanda, we are bonded. Is that not commitment enough?'
I told him it was not. I would even have a Vulcan ceremony. I am willing to do that.
But he said no. 'Impossible,' he said.
When I asked why, he said, 'It is not yet
time.'
'I don't understand,' I said. 'When will it be time?'
'It cannot be discussed with out....' He caught himself, but it was too late.
'If I am still an 'outworlder'
to you, then perhaps our marriage would be a sham,’ I said. He said
nothing. He looked sad and said he had
to go meditate. I am wondering if I have
made a mistake. But I don't think so.
It's just that Sarek can be so damn - WEIRD sometimes.
1010.08: Yesterday, after dinner, Sarek came and
talked to me.
'We will be married,' he
said. 'A Terran ceremony, I think. The Vulcan one will come later - at the
appropriate time.' I thanked him for
this - but discussing it seemed exceedingly hard for him. He also told me that I would stay with him.
'T'Ree
(Sinn's wife) will be coming to talk to you tomorrow,’ Sarek told me. 'I have asked her to. It is her duty since you
do not have a Vulcan mother.' I teased
Sarek about the 'birds and the bees' talk, but
he did not understand and almost seemed hurt.
'I am certain she will try to dissuade you,'
he said. 'That is why you will remain in
my quarters. They cannot keep you from me, if you are here.'
Vulcans. The more I know them, the less I understand
them.
*****
1010.09: T'Ree came to me
today as Sarek said she would. She was
very condescending, as most Vulcans are
toward me.
She told me Sarek had sent her - that
it was time for me to know the truth.
'It is a thing no outworlder may know,' she said. Dare I write it here?
It is late –
I asked T'Ree if males
were capable of sex outside this cycle.
She looked at me the way Sinn does - like I am an outworlder, and then
she told me it was possible, but it didn't happen very often. She knows humans. In a Vulcan's eyes, it probably seems like
all we do and think about is sex. She hoped to dissuade me by these facts – to
give Sarek up. I shall have to talk to
him. Vulcans hate this subject
apparently. But we will have to talk
about it.
1010.10: It was
//I know
what is on your mind, t'hy'la.// I felt his thoughts surround me. //This is not
easy for me. It is not easy for any of us. But I cannot consign you totally to
the life of a Vulcan female.//
I felt his mind - I can never
resist him when he does this. But this time - it was different.
Our hands touched. Sarek guided me. Fingers stroked. He did not know what a
kiss was. I taught him. My passions - grew. My desire - grew. He took guides
from my mind. I from his. I was afraid, but I continued.
//I do not wish to hurt you,// Sarek thought.
//You are in control,// I assured him. //Even raised to
this height - you are still in control. Sex can be fun. I have heard so.//
He laughed! actually
laughed in my mind.
//Amanda, you are-- so
beautiful.//
We made love. The human and the Vulcan—we made love.
1010.11: I have bee here almost a week. Today I called my mother. She took the call. Asked me had ‘the Vulcan’ touched my
mind? Did he ‘have my soul?’ Had he had sexual intercourse with me? How can you hedge such inquiries? I answered her truthfully. Some Terrans believe Vulcans can ‘possess’
you because they do not understand telepathy. She grew irritated. She had asked—had she really wanted to know? She said, ‘Then you pushed for it. You wanted it.’
I agreed. Our conversation was the terminated. I heave a feeling it was our last.
T’Ree is ‘indoctrinating’ me—so to speak. She told me I would know the pon farr
by the dreams I had. ‘If you are telepathically
bonded to him,’ she said, ‘you will have strange dreams of fire and
uncontrollable passions. You will
know.’ And she said that Sarek would
grow increasingly nervous and irritable.
It is hard for me to imagine him being that way—he is so calm and
logical. At that time, the Vulcan
ceremony will occur. (The Federation one
will be next month.)
Anyway, T'Ree
asked if I had any questions, so I asked about that Martian rape incident. She raised
an eyebrow. Well - she asked. She was frank with me, although it is a
difficult subject. That Vulcan had been
in pon farr. He had not been
bonded and had ignored his condition until he was
past the point of rational thought and resistance.
'No Vulcan male has ever lived
who has not thought he would be spared,’ T'Ree told
me. 'It is a time of horror for us, of life and death and it is shrouded in
ancient rituals and traditions. '
She could not tell me I would
survive this time. 'I must be truthful,'
she said. 'That Terran woman died. A Vulcan female has strength equal to her
mate. She can go for several days
without food or sleep. Humans do not
have this capacity. Ultimately, it is
your decision.’
I was astounded.
'But you have said his life is in my hands,' I said. 'If I refuse in order to save my life....'
‘Then he will die, 'T'Ree said. 'If you
refuse now, your bond can be undone and he will be able to find another. Both your lives will be saved.’
These are facts. But I still get the feeling T'Ree does not wish us together.
1010.12: Sarek and I talked. I told him what T'Ree
had said. He said it was hard to speculate since the only recorded example of a
Terran/Vulcan union was a rape which ended in death. 'It has been said that
the bond continues, even through the madness, and that it can be felt,'
Sarek said. 'It is thought that the bond keeps the female from fatal
injury. But it is only theory. It must be
your decision.’
Why do I - why must I make such
decisions?
1010.13: I
went to Sinn today for I did not feel I could go to my own physician. He pronounced me healthy – ‘for a
human'. I asked him what he thought.
'There are no precedents,' he said. I could tell he was irritated by the lack of
information, and also by his own inability
to lie. 'But there is a risk.'
A risk. That is all anyone can say. I have thought about it and I have decided to
take that risk. Without him I did not have life, it was existence. Now I love and I am happy. A few months or a year of that happiness -
for Sinn feels that Sarek's pon farr will come soon - is certainly more desirable than years of mere existence.
1010.14:
Last night, I told Sarek I was going to stay with him. I think he was pleased. Tonight, we went to order wedding
rings. (!!) Sarek said he would comply with some 'Terran
traditions'. What a laugh! It is I who
more conform to him and Vulcan. He only
has to put
up with my
irrational human emotions. I suppose
that is enough.
1010.25: News of our impending marriage has broken
out. The press is having a field
day. The Vulcans are grim. They 'no comment’ all over
the place. Basically, the Vulcan
Ambassador 'issued a statement' because of all the gossip and hoopla. It has even leaked out that I am estranged
from my family. My mother has been
interviewed. I have declined by Sarek's
request.
Oh - and the
‘to have my
love thither
and
back again!'
(The following
entry is from a newsfeed. It was printed
out and placed in the original manuscript.)
1011.17:
Today in a short civil
ceremony, AMBASSADOR SAREK OF VULCAN, 64, was wedded to AMANDA GRAYSON,
20. After the ceremony, the Ambassador
and Ms. Grayson met briefly with reporters
to issue statements and answer a few questions.
Ms.
Grayson, who has previously avoided the press, joked that she and the Ambassador hoped to improve relations between Vulcans and
Terrans. 'We wish to set an example, and
to prove to the galaxy that humans and Vulcans can be compatible and can work together.'
The Ambassador, who has
consistently denied any feelings of love toward Ms. Grayson, nonetheless seemed
to show great affection for her. When
asked why he married her, he replied that it had seemed 'the logical thing to
do.’
The interracial marriage is the
first of its kind in recorded galactic history.
1012.16: We
have been married almost a month. It has
been wonderful and sad. Everything is
packed. I had to go back home and pack
the rest of my clothes. My mother begged
me to stay. I told her I could not. ('He has my soul.') I am leaving - leaving my family and my home
-all that I know to go to 'a land which he will show me’: Altair VI (bleh). But it can't
be so terrible with my husband beside me. I love him. We are one.
We are on a shuttle now. It will rendezvous with a
liner going to the Altair system.
Sarek's position begins in about two weeks - so does mine.
Goodbye my home.
Hello new home, new love, new life.
Impossibilis
they said
it was impossible
that he could no more
love me
than a stone
he was green
marble, they said—desert
ice.
'Vulcans do not
love,'
they
said.
'They merely
copulate.
It is only biological
function
to them.'
I wondered how
they knew.
How do humans know
the Vulcan heart?
'You cannot love
him,' they said.
'He isn't human -
he can't
possibly understand you.' But they
did not listen to
his words
nor feel the deep
trust in his mind
were I to speak a
thousand years,
expounding every detail
still, they would never
understand
but say that I
am crazed.
even if I could show
them
they would not believe.
but I know.
I know his mind
and his
love.
I know there is no
'desert
ice'
no green
marble but melting sand
and shifting wax
I move him
as he moves me
they said
I
could never be happy
never be loved
they said
it was impossible.
I know
that it was not.
Finis