Title: A Battle Lost

Author: mzsnaz

Series: TOS

Character: Amanda

Rated: G

Summary: Amanda's feelings as Spock announces his plans to attain Kohlinahr at Gol.

~~~~~~~~~~A Battle Lost~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“I hope you fail.”

Those four words resonated through her. Knowing that they meant nothing to him didn’t ease the ache. Never before had she spoken so cruelly to him. No, that wasn’t true. She had threatened to never forgive him if he let his Father die during the Coridan mission. That had been spiteful and untrue. She couldn’t hate him…could she? She nearly laughed at the brutal irony as an axiom leapt immediately into her consciousness. The cause was sufficient. How very ironic, indeed.

The house would, no doubt, also echo those words. The tattered remains of a homecoming celebration still sat on a low set table in the dining room waiting to be stuffed into the disposal. She wasn’t going to save any of it. The expense and waste left her unmoved. It didn’t matter. He was gone.

“I hope you fail.”

All within her felt empty. She’d expected to be in hysterics by now, but she couldn’t even shed a tear. The numb sensation was uncharacteristic, but she was grateful for it. If she analyzed it too rigorously, there was a high probability that she would never stop crying.

It wasn’t surprising that Sarek had gone to meditate. He was disappointed in her reaction, she was certain. She should go to him and try to explain, but the very idea was repugnant to her. She had tippy-toed around him for eighteen years when she hadn’t dared mention their son. It was time for retribution…time for him to be as uncomfortable as she had been. They never really quarreled; however, they could vehemently disagree with each other. The schism that was generally bridged between them had never been more apparent than in their reactions to their son’s announcement. Sarek was unruffled and accepted the news as if their son made such a life altering decision every day. And she felt…what? There were no words that fit the astonishment, hurt, and, ultimately, the fury at his decision. No words except what she told him as he left the house…their house…for the last time.

“I hope you fail.”

She’d wanted him to give her that flash of emotion that she could always pick up. She’d wanted him to hurt as much as she did when he told them that he wanted to exorcize his Human half…his emotional half. Her half. He wanted her out. Yes, that was it. He wanted her to disappear into the mist of memory, never to resurface again. A sharp pang of some feeling nearly formed, but she roughly suppressed it. No. It wasn’t time yet. She was too offended to forgive. If he wanted to exorcize his Human half, he’d made a good start of it today.

Yes, a very good start. He’d gone right for the jugular.

He’d been serenely composed as he told them of his intentions. Gol was the only possible solution to his dilemma…a dilemma that was her fault. How dare she be his mother. A bitter laugh nearly escaped. It was becoming harder not to focus on her errors over the years. Yes, there had been mistakes made. Yes, she had made many of those mistakes, but never had one of those mistakes been in her choice of husband. How could her son not understand? How could Sarek not understand? Why was he defending him? Didn’t he see the truth? Did he have the same opinion of her that their son had? That would be too much to bear.

“I hope you fail.”

Why did it have to be such a drastic act? Couldn’t the boy do anything without going to extremes? She knew the feeling of loss should have overwhelmed her, but there was nothing. The boy…a scathing curse skimmed the surface of her thoughts, but was thrown back. He’d always wanted to be the mature one. Always wanted to be the one in control. Always wanted to be better than he was. Always was unwilling to accept who he was.

She embarrassed him.

That was it. He couldn’t stand her. It had been evident for years, but she had blithely ignored the truth. The way he had lectured her several years ago about what it was to be Vulcan…as if she didn’t know. The way he treated her at times like a pre-kahswan child. Yes, that was it. It wasn’t that he thought she didn’t understand. He assumed that she couldn’t understand.

Arrogant presumption. Misguided belief. Foolish pride.

All the support and love she had poured into him had somehow been wasted. He’d learned nothing from her. Not one blessed thing. He wanted her gone; yet, he was the one who was to be isolated in a sterile cocoon of stoic teachings and exercises that would eradicate every trace of emotion…every trace of her.

He was going to fail. For one of most important junctures in his life, he was going to fall flat on his face…and she was glad for it. She only wished that she could see it first hand. The heady sensation of rage consumed her, and she waited for it to pass. Would it pass? Would she ever be able to think his name without feeling like a knife had pierced her heart? Must she also eliminate her emotions? The rage flared and slowly ebbed. No, she would never beg for forgiveness for being Human. Never. If he wanted to squander his life in pursuit of an unattainable goal, then so be it. So be it.

“I hope you fail.”

She meant it. She meant it with all her heart. He would fail, and she would be ecstatic with joy. Yes, completely ecstatic. Then, when there was nowhere else to go, he would meekly contact them. She would be firm in her response, and absolutely unyielding in her reply.

She couldn’t wait to welcome him home.

The End