This was something short that I wrote several months ago. I live very
close to a military Army post, and with the war situation as it is, I found
myself 'doodling' down a few thoughts. <g> Feedback is
appreciated.
Title: The Last Time I Said Goodbye
Author: mzsnaz
Series: TOS
Rated: G
Summary: Random thoughts from a mother about her son.
Disclaimer: Star Trek is the property of Paramount and Viacom.
____
My thoughts are always bleak at night.
Sometimes, late in the evening with only the muffled sounds of the house to
keep me company, I lie awake and wonder what you are doing. It's so
difficult to be here alone. Perhaps you're working. Perhaps you are
asleep, as I should be. The distance is growing and it seems to be driving
us further apart. As the thoughts whirl around, a sudden stabbing fear
pierces me. What if you're hurt? Is that why I haven't heard from
you in nineteen days? You may be simply out of range with communication
out of the question. I breathe and meditate on that. Yes...out of
range. No danger. No fear.
It seems like only a few days ago that I told you
goodbye. There were no tears, not even that first time you left.
Tears! An emotional response. We parted as always...a small glint
of light in your eyes and a slight tilt of your head to let me know you would
be back soon. I longed to kiss you on the temple the way I used to when
you were a baby, but that would be improper...
There is always a next time for goodbyes. Your
absence and that of your father's can be filled with any number of
activities. But I miss you. Especially at night. Do you
remember sitting in the garden late into the evening, listening to the shifting
sands and the occasional roars of the le-matyas heard distantly hunting in
the desert? I treasure those times.
This house is too big. Two people really don't
need such a huge house. This house should be filled with children.
Yes...children. When the family asks, we will move. But they have
been most generous in allowing us to stay. Perhaps they wonder if I would
be offended. But really, this house should be used. It's not a
museum. We aren't relics waiting to be dusted. Such a strange
thought. Age is such a human thing. My age doesn't matter
here. My experience and knowledge; now, that matters. Back to the
house. Really, it had always been too much, even when you were
young...when you were here. Oh, if only there had been someone who was
faithful! Then, this house would be yours and there would be... Now,
stop. Such foolish thoughts. You are satisfied. I should be,
but why do I long for the sounds of scuffling sandals...childish
whispers...cries in the dead of night?
My son, a career in space offers many opportunities for you,
and I am pleased that you chose that career. Yes, I'll admit it.
Even after I begged you to reconsider. The thought of you being
gone...out of my life...in danger...was nearly too much. What did I have
without you? But we both changed. I found an inner strength I didn't
know I possessed. And you found a true home, one filled with acceptance
and without the shackles of a restrictive and, at times, smothering
conformity. And you grew. And became stronger. The child I
knew changed into a man. That was hard on me. When did that
happen? Why did I have to miss that?
Do you consider this home anymore? It's been so
long. You know you should visit more often, and yes, I know I'm asking
yet again. I'm pleased to hear about the training mission. It
sounds safe. Yes, I know. But, I must admit that I'm proud of your
transition from active duty to teaching. Yes, I'm biased. I know
you will be an excellent instructor. I just hope your cadets realize what
an opportunity it is to learn from you. Yes, I have once again
unflinchingly praised you. It's my prerogative as your mother.
Someday soon, you'll come back and perhaps stay longer
than just a shore leave. I'd like that. We still have a lot to talk
about. I just hope that when you leave, you'll look back and not wish it
to be the last time we say goodbye.
The End